I’ve recently started a Beverly Hills, 90210 re-watch project because, well, it is quite simply the best TV show of all time. Long time readers of this site may recall that I love it, have written about it on many occasions, and in fact often use the characters as examples when I am trying to make a point. I recently got my hands on the second season and have been devouring the episodes on a nightly basis. Last night I watched two of the most classic installments in the show’s repertoire – that is, the ‘I’d Like to Exchange an Egg’ episode, and the ‘Emily Valentine Goes Nuts and Tries to Torch a Homecoming Float’ episode. I really can’t express the supreme joy that these bring to my life. In the first, Brandon’s new girlfriend Emily Valentine takes the gang to an underground L.A. club and slips U4EA (get it?) into his drink, which is basically the biggest psycho move of all time.
Way to go Emily. Brandon has to leave his brand new yellow Mustang – which he slaved away all summer at the Beverly Hills Beach Club to buy, after having totaled his previous car in a drunk-driving accident – at the club. When he returns the next day to collect it various street thugs have made off with his hubcaps and spray painted rude slogans on the sides. Not to mention the fact that the doors were stolen. Jeez Emily. How is Brandon going to look cool now? Brandon promptly breaks up with Emily (as he should – please note that anyone who drugs you is not to be trusted, even if it is with a fun drug that makes you take off your shirt and tell people you love them).
The episode of course contains the requisite amount of hand-wringing from Cindy Walsh, fuming over Brandon’s inability to keep a motor vehicle intact from Jim Walsh, and holier-than-thou attitude from Brenda. All is right with the world. In a scary development though, I actually like what David is wearing.
In the next episode, which is officially titled ‘My Desperate Valentine’, we witness Emily’s rapid descent into creepy stalker territory. Her increasingly desperate tactics include continuously calling the Walsh household and hanging up, leaving racy answering-machine messages for Jim and Cindy to hear (gross!), slashing her own tires in a bid to get Brandon to invite her to sleep over, and then taking advantage of his hospitality when he does by sneaking out of Brenda’s room and into his bed in the middle of the night.
And then, as I have mentioned in a previous post, she bakes him a cake and leaves it on his doorstep. Aaaaaagh! Clearly the sign of an unbalanced individual. Brandon finally loses it and, as Steve so eloquently puts it, ‘basically tells her to drop dead’ in front of the entire gang, which would obviously be very humiliating but really, she kind of had it coming.
Look, it’s not that I don’t feel bad for Em. I do. Clearly she has issues. But as I have always said, having issues is not an excuse to lie, cheat, steal, or generally treat other people like crap. Especially when the person you’re treating like crap is everyone’s favorite Minnesota Twin, Brandon Walsh.
Fortunately all’s well that end’s well. Emily admits that she has a problem and needs help, which allows everyone to get back to business as usual. Brandon resumes his life of car payments, singledom, and charming the ladies. Brenda and Dylan continue with their teenage horn dog ways. Kelly resumes her snobbery, Donna her ditziness, Steve his bro-dude-ness, Andrea her extreme know-it-all annoyingness. And David goes back to proving that he might possibly have the worst fashion sense out of anyone alive during the ‘90s.